Monday, September 6, 2010

my pet chipmunk

I have a regular visitor to my patio - I call him Crackhead. Crackhead the Chipmunk. He comes to my patio every morning and chirps his little heart out.

Chirps? Is that the right word? Not sure I know what to call the sound that chipmunks made. I didn't learn it as a kid. Darn you Old McDonald's Farm! Robbing me of precious knowledge by always focusing on the cows and ducks.

Anyway - I was talking to a friend and telling him about my chipmunk and the racket he makes every morning. He went home and told his wife and she came back with a reason that she swears is true. Apparently the chipmunk that chirps in the morning is the female chipmunk yelling at the male chipmunk to come home. (apparently there's a chipmunk strip joint nearby and the males get up to all sorts of shenanigans)

I like to feed my little chipmunk pistachios sometimes - mostly because it's funny to watch the little guy stuff his cheeks with ten nuts, looking like he's come down with a case of the mumps. But also, I do it because after the chipmunk gets his nuts, he returns to say thank you! It's true. He comes back and hops right up to my door and looks at me for a few seconds, perhaps imperceptibly nods his head as a universal sign of "yo, thanks woman".

Well, this weekend, he took it a step further. He started climbing my screen door!

When I first looked over and saw this chipmunk suspended upside down in my door, I jumped out of my chair. And he ran away. It almost looked like he was inside - seriously creepy. Because as much as I like that little guy, I am not about to invite him in for a beer and fish fry. Ew. He probably has syphilis from all his time at the chipmunk strip club.

All weekend he kept getting braver and braver with climbing my screen door. At first, he would just hop up and then back down. Then he started hopping up and actually climbing it a few steps. And then yesterday afternoon, the little dude actually climbed all the way up to the top! I couldn't figure out what the heck he was doing.

But then I realized what he was after - the bag of pistachios is right by the door and he was looking for a way in! He kept coming right up to the screen where the bag was and then he would sniff around for a way to get in. What a smart little guy! I never give animals any credit for having brains because I normally think they're so dumb. I mean, really - they don't even have opposable thumbs, how far could they possibly get.

But of course, now I need to figure out if I will use this knowledge for good or evil. I could continue to throw out nuts for the little guy - OR, I could start taunting him with really, really good food placed just outside his reach. Maybe a steak or banana cream pie placed right inside the screen door..... close enough to smell but juuuuuuuust out of reach. hmmmmmm...... oh the possibilities....

(note: the author of this blog does not technically support animal cruelty. Except when it comes to ferrets. Those things are just stupid.)

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